I was in a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru the other day, waiting for my medium cold brew coffee with a light splash of cream, when I had an epiphany. And it involved the “N” word.

Cards on the table- this is not the “N” word you’re probably thinking of. This epiphany involved a simple word. One that many of us learn to say in the first year of our lives. Two little letters that have a profound effect on the nature of our days, on how we express our wants and needs, and on how we react to situations that are both good and bad. And that word is “no.”

NO.

Here’s what happened.

I was on my way to pick up friends for an early-screening of the Amy Schumer comedy I Feel Pretty. We were about to embark on what can only be described as “traffic hell” as we made our way south to Dedham, MA and I needed caffeine for the road. Plain and simple. And when I pulled up to the window at my local Dunkin’, my coffee order was presented to me wrong not once, not twice, but three times. Three times. And I’m embarrassed to admit that each time it came back incorrect and I asked it to be fixed, I also apologized. I apologized. I felt badly for being wasteful. I felt badly for inconveniencing the Dunkin’ Donuts staff. I felt badly for holding up the drive-thru line. How does that even make sense? And in the end I felt so uncomfortable about the whole thing that I wound up leaving with a coffee that still wasn’t the right order.

In the grand scheme of things, the coffee doesn’t matter. I drank it and moved on. My epiphany, however, arrived as I pulled out of the parking lot and realized the silliness of my own behavior. Why was I apologizing for asking to receive the correct item that I had already paid for? Why am I afraid to say “no, this isn’t right?” or “no, I don’t want this”? In a time where we’re all so busy being “yes” women and embracing Shonda Rhimes’ Year of Yes philosophy, I’m curioius- when did we all start being afraid to say “no?”

Like many of you, as a little girl I was taught to be helpful. And kind. And gracious. All of which is important and all of which has made me a better human being. But somewhere along my journey to wear I am now that turned into my thinking that saying “yes” to everything, not rocking the boat, and appeasing everyone else was an essential part of my being courteous. We girls are team players. We’re kind. We’ll take the hit and adjust on our end because we don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to be an inconvenience. And we’ll do it all with a smile that says, “Let me know how else I can help!”

Assuming I am not the only one who finds themselves in this predicament, I wanted to know more. So I polled you guys- my loyal readers, friends, family and followers. And here’s where the cards fell.

Do you have trouble saying “no” to things?

83% Yes   17% No

Do you ever say yes to things you prefer not to do out of fear of letting others down?

88% Yes   12% No

Pretty telling, isn’t it? I stumbled upon an article on ELLE that talked about the detriment that women do to ourselves professionally when we’re afraid to say “no, I don’t agree” or “no, I have a better solution.” A podcast featuring Queen Oprah (ahem, bow down, ladies), echoed a similar sentiment- but this time relating to our personal lives. Until we allow ourselves the ability to answer the question “What do I actually want?” and stop worrying about others’ reactions to it, we won’t be able to say “no.” Even when we should be.

I’m not implying that saying “yes” or compromising is always bad thing. I am implying that it’s a disservice to ourselves when we do it out of fear of disappointing others. We can do better, ladies, We should do better. So you heard it here- I am committing myself, for the remainder of the month of May, to practice the art of saying “no.”

Here’s my plan of attack:

• Start small. I’m going to practice my “no’s” when the stakes are low. Like when I’m in a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru, for example.
• Set long-term goals. This can be applied to the big stuff, like professional situations, or the small stuff, like Friday night plans. Do you want more weeknight evenings free? Then keep that goal in mind. It will help you learn to say “no”- openly, kindly and honestly- to after work plans that you really aren’t in to.
• Be honest. Your people will get it. Looping in your husband, partner, gal pals, roommate, etc. to your new goal will keep the lines of communication open, will keep you in check, and will help make sure no one’s feelings get hurt in the process.

This seems like a scary task, and one that will definitely force me to spend a lot more time walking the lines outside of my comfort zone. But I’ve got a feeling it’ll be worth it. And I hope you’ll join me. After all, if Oprah can do it- so can we.

Know when to “no.” Wear you are now.

xx

Natalie